


oh, what is it worth when all that's left is hurt

by awkwardturtle10



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Grief, Guilt, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Vomitting, Temporary Character Death, additional fluff because heck yes, kara lives so don't worry, lena and her sister in law alex, mentions of guns, mentions of trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23052445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardturtle10/pseuds/awkwardturtle10
Summary: Lena didn’t expect for it to end this way.When she agreed to work with Lex, she promised herself to make sure that no harm will ever come from it. And now, the only person who ever truly cared about her is dead.All Lena ever wanted to do was to save the world. It’s impossible now because look at what she has done to hers.AU where Kara dies and Lena has to learn to live in a world without Kara Danvers
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 30
Kudos: 329





	1. The gun is gone and so am I and here I go

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is half arsed. There's probably a million grammar mistakes here but I'm too sleep deprived to even think about it so I apologise.  
> But it's there and I managed to work on it. So, it's an achievement.  
> I hope you guys like it. Enjoy :)

Lena didn’t expect for it to end this way.

When she agreed to work with Lex, she thought it would’ve been for the greater good. She would have been able to keep an eye on him while simultaneously working on achieving her goals for project non nocere.

Then the world decided to end again.

Instead of antimatter waves, this time it’s Leviathan and un-surprisingly Lex. While Lena was prepared for his plans and him working with Leviathan, she failed to expect the gun pointing towards her and Lex grinning madly while he claims for revenge.

“You shouldn’t have killed me, Lena.”

And then Supergirl comes in—roughed and burned out from her fight with Rama Khan and Leviathan’s members, she stands in front of Lex. Before Lena can even process the caped hero’s sudden appearance, she hears the gunshot—loud and ringing in her ears.

The Kryptonian falls to the ground. 

Lex stares at his feet where Kara is lying in pain, bloodied and green from kryptonite and he laughs. He laughs and laughs and laughs until another gunshot rings in the air. Lex stops laughing. Another sound of gunshot follows and his body goes lifeless and drops to the ground.

Rooted to the ground, Lena can only watch as Alex rushes towards Kara, Lex’s body goes unbothered as the agent drops to her knees, her gun that shot Lex discarded next to her as she frantically puts her hand above the bullet wound on Kara’s chest. 

Alex’s free hand grips Kara’s while she tells her that it’s okay and the others will be here soon, she has to hold on. Lena sees Kara’s lips moving and Alex nods in return, her eyes fleeting to Lena for a moment before they’re back on her sister. 

“She’s safe. You just hold on, okay?”

Kara smiles weakly, eyes unfocused while her free hand comes up to touch the side of Alex’s face, staining her cheek with blood. Before Alex can assure her that she’ll be fine, Kara’s hand on Alex’s face falls to her side.

Lena stops breathing.

“Kara?” Alex calls out and all that follows is silence. 

“Kara, hey, come on, Kara,  _ Kara— _ ” Alex sobs. “Please. _ ” _

Soon enough, Martian Manhunter arrives along with Brainy and Dreamer. When they saw the Kryptionian’s lifeless state and heard Alex’s heartbreaking cries, they all knew it was already too late.

Supergirl—Kara Danvers is gone.

Lena didn’t expect for it to end this way. 

When she agreed to work with Lex, she promised herself to make sure that no harm will ever come from it. And now, the only person who ever truly cared about her is dead.

All Lena ever wanted to do was to save the world. It’s impossible now because look at what she has done to hers.

****

Lena is no stranger to loss. 

This isn’t her first one. Over the years, she’s been familiar with it. But somehow, this seems to hit the hardest. Even more than when she lost her birth mother. Because this time, Lena is no longer a child and she had full control. It’s possible for her to stop Kara’s death from happening if she hadn’t agreed to work with Lex in the beginning, if she hadn’t been so caught up with her emotions and feelings, if she would have just listened—

She tries not to think of it. 

Her guilt and Kara’s death. But it’s  _ hard _ . Every time she tries to occupy herself with work or read the many books on her shelf, she feels sick to her stomach. There’s a dull and uncomfortable feeling that sits on her chest and it has determined to keep her company.

She doesn’t sleep—fights it like a sworn enemy, because every time she does, she dreams of Kara. Most of the time, she sees Kara dying, Kara’s blood on her hands. 

Again and again and again. 

Sometimes, the nightmares don't come. Instead, she dreams of Kara and her smiles, Kara and her laughter. Her warm blue eyes and her soft touch. 

Admittedly, those dreams were the worst. 

Either way, it always ends up the same—Lena waking up in silent tears, with this suffocating pain in her chest.

When nothing can be done, all Lena does is stay in her bed. Her back on the mattress, eyes focused on the ceiling of her dark bedroom. Time passes, but Lena is stuck in a state of stillness where the world has stopped for her. 

It's been two days. 

On the nightstand, her phone vibrates for the fifth time today. Lena has no doubt that it’s from Sam. Sam who's currently at Midvale for Kara's funeral. One that Lena was supposed to attend.

Her phone vibrates again and Lena tries to ignore it but curiosity wins over. Huffing, she grabs the device lazily and unlocks it. The light from her phone causes her to squint her eyes as she reads the latest text bubble.

_ Sam: They're sending her off now. _

Lena breathes out shakily and drops her phone next to her pillow. She closes her eyes, tears falling as she visualises the beach behind Kara's childhood home, the red Midvale sky at sunset. Hovering over the sand, there's a Kryptonian pod where inside of it lies Kara Zor-El who is sleeping peacefully.

Lena turns off her phone for the rest of the day.

****

It took two weeks for her to come out of that state of stillness. She starts eating properly again and does her work from home. That loud, dull feeling is still there sitting on her chest but Lena tries to move along with time. She has a company to run and responsibilities she cannot abandon. 

She has to move forward.

After Lex’s fall, the company took a toll. The share went down, investors pulled out and employees quit. The hate that Lena and the company were getting is more than usual. It feels like back then when she started L-Corp in the previous earth, trying to move the company away from Lex’s mistake. 

Lena wonders if this is always going to be  _ it _ . Her having to always clean up Lex’s mess.

There’s no doubt that it’s her mess now and with all that has happened—the crimes and wrongs she’s done—it’s one of the things she can do to account for her mistakes.

Lena replies to the last email of the day before shutting her laptop closed, exhaustion taking over her. Her eyes burn from staring at the screen too long. She takes off her glasses and shuts her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose as she feels a headache coming. At the same time, her stomach rumbles. She looks at the time. It’s nearly midnight and she hasn’t had dinner yet. With very little energy left in her, it seems take-out (again) is her only option.

There’s a knock on her door and Lena frowns, considering the time. Rolling her stiff neck side to side as she gets off her couch, Lena makes her way to the door, placing her hand on the doorknob as she looks through the peephole. 

Alex.

Lena freezes. She hasn’t seen anyone since Kara’s death. Sam called often but gave her some space to grief and  ~~ her friends ~~ Kara’s friends did send some text messages but Lena never answered them. And Alex—Alex was the one who sent her the invite to Kara’s funeral. 

The fact that Alex even wants to see her makes her stomach churn with discomfort. After what happened, she expected Alex’s rage, the DEO barging into her apartment and dragging her to their holding facility. But none of that happened. 

Lena doesn’t understand.

Kara died. It was her fault.

“I know you’re in there, Lena,” Alex says. There’s no malice in her voice. She sounds tired and her voice sounds rough, like she hasn’t been speaking that much in a while.

Lena breathes in deeply, swallowing the hard lump in her throat as she opens the door.

The first thing Lena notices is the dark bags underneath Alex’s eyes that very much look like her own. Her eyes then find the bags that came with the older woman. A large one on her back and a duffel bag she’s carrying in her hand. 

Alex lifts her free hand in an awkward wave and smiles weakly. “Can I come in?” 

Lena blinks, moving back as lets Alex into her apartment. She closes the door, her eyes still glued to the bag that Alex is carrying. 

“Are you going somewhere?” Lena asks.

“Let’s sit down first, okay?”

Lena nods, timidly like a child as she leads them to her sofa. If Alex notices the mess in her apartment (surely she does), she doesn’t point it out. 

The older Danvers drops her bags next to the sofa and takes a seat while Lena sits at the other end of it with her hands clasped awkwardly together as her eyes meet Alex’s.

“How are you?” 

Lena stills at the question. The suffocating ache in her chest intensifies as tears begin to brim in her eyes. How can she answer that question without falling apart? Lena stays silent, her eyes moving away from Alex’s and to her hands.

“Okay. Stupid question. Sorry,” Alex says in a way like she gets it. They’re both not ready to answer that question.

“I’m going away.” Lena stops fidgeting with her hands and raises her head. “Just for a month or so.” 

“Are you going back to Midvale?” 

Alex’s face falls and Lena pinches herself for asking. The silence is loud between them and Alex looks far away as if she’s thinking of a memory. A minute passes before Alex blinks and she shakes her head.

“No, just somewhere,” she says, her voice softer. She doesn’t say more but Lena knows she meant a place where Kara’s presence doesn’t linger. And maybe Lena should do the same too. Go to a place where she hasn’t been with Kara before, as an attempt to not think of her. But Lena knows it’s wishful thinking. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to keep her mind of Kara.

“What about the DEO?” 

“I quit,” Lena’s eyes go wide. “I was only there because—” Alex stops, sighing heavily as she blinks away the incoming tears, fighting to keep them from spilling. She clears her throat, clenching and unclenching her hands on her knees. 

“I was only there because of her.” 

Lena doesn’t press further.

“I just thought I’d let you know before I go. Also—” Alex grabs her duffel bag and unzips it. She takes out a neatly wrapped box with a bow on top of it and places it in front of Lena for her to take. 

Lena looks up at Alex, confused.

Alex gives her a smile, though it is laced with pain. “It’s from Kara.”

The mention of her name itself causes Lena’s heart to drop to her stomach. She folds her arms across her chest, trying to hold herself together.

“It’s for this year’s Christmas. You know how she was when it came to giving presents.”

Lena wants to laugh. She can’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. This is too much.

“I can’t have this.” Alex’s concerned gaze stays on Lena as she pushes the gift back to her. 

“She wants you to have it.”

“I can’t,” Lena repeats, her eyes pleading Alex. But the older woman doesn’t give in. She pushes the gift back to Lena, determined for Lena to take it.

“I know that you think it’s your fault, Lena. But it’s not.” Alex tells gently. A shaky sob escapes Lena, her hands clenching on her biceps so tightly that she feels her fingernails digging into her skin. 

It hurts. 

“I don’t blame you. No one does. And neither should you.” Alex gives her a teary smile, her eyes so sincere that it makes Lena almost believe it. That it was not her fault.

Lena can already feel the bile rising up to her throat. 

“Just hold on to it, okay?” Alex places a gentle hand on her knee and squeezes it. Lena nods silently, her face wet with tears.

Alex proceeds to say her goodbye and gives Lena a hug. It’s brief but it’s the first contact she ever had with anyone in a while, so she savours it, hugging Alex back as tightly as she can.

Alex takes her leave and as soon as the door shuts closed, Lena rushes to her bathroom, hovers above the toilet bowl as she coughs and heaves, emptying whatever that’s left in her stomach. 

She goes to bed without dinner and Kara’s gift is left untouched on her sofa. That night, Lena dreams of Kara dying, her hands covered in Kara’s blood. 

Again and again and again. 

Lena calls in sick the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI in this fic, Alex didn't quit her job at DEO in 5x12...until now.  
> Thanks for reading. (Gentle) feedback are always appreciated :)


	2. I will see you in parts of me, in who I was back then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited. Sorry for the mess. I felt a little bit guilty that this took a while. But here you go.  
> Thanks for reading. You all are lovely Stay safe :)

Kara's presence lingers. In Lena’s office, her apartment. She knows Kara is gone, but oftentimes she finds herself looking at her balcony waiting for Kara to show up with her sunny grin, holding bags of Big Belly Burger as she invites herself in and tells Lena about her day.

Kara’s gift remains unopened in her apartment collecting dust. She can’t bring herself to open it. There is a constant battle within her—between her desire of needing something, anything to lessen the pain, to have something new of Kara that she can hold on to and the terrifying ordeal of having to relive the consequences of what she has done. It’s easier to hide Kara’s gift instead, away from her eyes, to bury herself into work so she would think of Kara less. It works, sometimes.

Lena’s trying. 

There are bad days—days where she feels as though the sun had stopped shining and she couldn’t get out of bed. Days where she’s at her weakest, curled up crying as she holds onto whatever memories left she has of Kara, trying to engrave it into her mind as much as possible because she doesn’t want to forget. She doesn’t want to forget the warmth of Kara’s smile, her voice, the gentleness of her touch and her love. It terrifies her to an end to lose her memories of Kara just like she did with her own mother. 

In those moments of fear, longing, and lost, she finds herself texting the only person she could think of—who has the same intensity of missing and loving Kara as much she does.

_‘Do you ever feel as though she’s still around? Like you could turn and you might just see her.’_

Alex would reply back almost instantly. 

_‘All the fucking time. Which defeats the purpose of this trip honestly.’_

If Alex, who is miles away in a place where Kara had never been to feels it as well, then surely Lena is doomed. But the similarity of their experience brings her comfort—Lena’s not alone and neither is she slowly going insane. 

From there, her relationship with Alex slowly grows. It’s no longer a ‘you’re my sister’s friend so I have to befriend you’ kind of friendship, rather it’s one that is built on mutual understanding, compassion and grief. A friendship created by their mutual love of the same person whom they had lost. Despite the difference in the kind of love they had for Kara, it’s one with the same depth—Different waves but with the same frequency. 

Their friendship is one she never expects to have, considering Alex’s constant disapproval towards her back then—for creating project non nocere, for working with Lex, and for hurting Kara. But Alex doesn’t bring up the harshness of their past and Lena doesn’t ask. She doesn’t want to jeopardize anything and lose the only person she feels like she can talk about Kara to.

They often text, unawarely of their grief, about Kara. Sometimes, they slip in the ordinary things—Lena’s work and Alex’s trip. When Alex comes home a month later and invites her to brunch, it feels normal enough for Lena to agree and meets her at Noonan’s. She pays for the meal despite Alex’s protest and they sit at the secluded corner of the shop, away from prying ears and eyes.

Alex pulls back her hair that has grown longer before she takes a sip of her coffee. The bags underneath her eyes are no longer as bad and Lena can feel that the older woman no longer bears the same weight of burden on her chest like she did before she left. 

“How are you?” Lena asks. It’s the same question Alex had asked her before she left for her trip. Alex puts her coffee down, her eyes finding Lena’s as she smiles weakly. 

“Still...working on it.”

It’s progress and if Alex is finally able to answer that question without choking up, Lena should be too. But when Alex asks her the same question, she feels the same lump in her throat and can only stare down at her hands in silence.

Alex places a hand on top of hers and gives it a gentle grip. Lena lifts her face and holds her breath as she fights back the tears at the sight of Alex’s smile and kind eyes.

“I...attended my first therapy session yesterday,” Alex tells in a soft tone.

“Oh.” She remembered back then when she had just arrived in the Luthor household and Lionel mentioned sending her to therapy since she had lost her mother. Lillian dismissed it without a second thought. 

_Therapy is for the weak, Lena. A true Luthor wouldn’t need one._

Lilian was wrong. It isn’t weak. The Luthors were cowards.

“It’s a little bit awkward but I’m going to keep going.” 

“Does it help?” 

Alex pulls her hand away gently and Lena wonders if she had said the wrong thing. Her face doesn’t show any anger towards Lena’s question, rather she looks calm. Her eyes are still kind and on Lena’s.

“I think so. It’s one session but I do feel slightly better to just talk about it,” Alex tells, eyes looking down at her coffee. “It’s been long overdue. After all that has happened, I think it’s time,” she smiles weakly. “Kelly thought it was a good idea too, so she recommended her co-worker who’s best suited.” 

Alex takes another sip of her coffee before placing it down, meeting Lena’s eyes again. “It's worth a shot.”

 _Oh_. She gets it now. Alex has a way of being subtle, unlike Kara who’s a disaster at it. Lena says nothing in return, only nods in silence as she digs into her toast, hiding her eyes away from the older woman.

“So, how’s work?” Alex jumps to another topic, perhaps sensing the distress on Lena’s face. Lena tells her and Alex listens attentively, while she eats her meal. Slowly, the heavy air around them dissipates despite the weird feeling sitting in Lena’s stomach.

“It’s been tough. I think it’d be easier if I just sell the company and buy myself a nice cottage and live there forever.”

Alex snorts. “Like you’ll be satisfied with that.” Lena throws her a dirty look and Alex waves her hand dismissively. “You’re doing great. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” Lena smiles into her tea. 

“How about you? Any offers yet?”

Alex groans loudly. “It’s been awful. I’ve been trying to find a job with my degree instead, so being a top secret agent with minimal experience in bioengineering doesn’t really help.”

“You worked as a doctor before.”

Alex nods solemnly. “They keep asking for all these qualifications that don’t make sense. I feel like a fresh graduate all over again,” she huffs as she takes a bite of her sandwich. 

“You could work at L-Corp.”

Alex stops eating.

Lena wrings her fingers as she begins to explain. “I mean there is a vacancy since, you know, so many people have left—”

“Lena—”

“You’re one of the most qualified people, Alex. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t mean it.” She _does_ mean it. Alex is brilliant and Lena has seen her work before. She’d be a good fit for L-Corp. 

The older Danvers lets out a weary sigh. “It’s not out of pity?” 

Lena finds herself clenching her jaw. “I would not insult you like that. It’s an offer from me as a scientist and as a friend.” 

Perhaps her offer does have a little bit to do with her guilt but Lena is not going to tell Alex that.

Alex stares at her and Lena meets her eyes, not backing down. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Alex nods and bites into her sandwich again. “Let me know when I can start.”

Lena smiles and Alex rolls her eyes at Lena’s delight but when they part, Alex thanks her sincerely with a gentle pat on her shoulder. 

Lena returns to her penthouse, happy at the thought of Alex working with her but the moment she recalls her guilt and the thought of her action to soothe it, she feels worse than ever. 

She tells herself it’s good. She’s helping Alex, her friend. She’s giving Alex what she needs.

_It’s okay._

Lena breathes in deeply while she changes her clothes. She lies down on her bed, with pain in her head and she turns to her bedside, pulling the drawer of her nightstand to find some aspirin. Her hand stops when her eyes catch sight of Kara's gift. 

“Fuck.” She knew it was a bad idea to place it in here. She chides herself at finding comfort in having Kara’s gift near her as she goes to sleep. She can almost hear Lillian mocking her. 

_Weak_.

Lena lets out a heavy sigh, sitting at the side of her bed as she takes out Kara’s gift from the drawer. She looks at it, touching the bow delicately as she pulls at the end of it. Taking the top off and placing it aside, her hand waved through the decorative papers. She takes out the gift and holds it firmly, her eyes examining it with curiosity. 

It’s something she’s never seen before. A small spherical ball, made of some kind of metal and it weighs slightly heavier than an average baseball. It’s covered with carvings, symbols that she has seen in Lex’s journal and one that she recognises dearly, has seen Kara wearing it proudly on her chest. 

Lena runs her thumb across the S. 

She nearly drops the object when it makes a sound and blue light starts to project out of the metal ball. And suddenly in front of her—there’s Kara, full in her Supergirl uniform.

“Kara,” Lena breathes. 

“Hi, Lena.” Lena lets out a choking sob and tears start to form in her eyes. 

“Merry Christmas! I hope you’re having a wonderful time with our friends and that you’re not too cold.” projector Kara grins. It’s a recording but Lena could feel the warmth of her smile and gaze. It feels as though Kara’s really here. 

“So, I wanted to give you this, as your Christmas present. Since you know now, about me being Supergirl.” Kara pauses with a frown. “If not, then this would be really awkward.”

Lena lets out a dry laugh. Her heart aches and aches and aches.

“In this device, you have every information about Krypton. Our technology, our culture. Me. It’s a part of me and my world that I am willing to share with you.” Kara smiles softly. “I trust you, Lena. With all this knowledge and information, I’m positive that you’ll do great. Because that’s just who you are. You’re so smart and incredibly kind and I know you can change the world for the better. Merry Christmas, Lena. I’ll see you soon.”

The recording ends, the projection of Kara is no longer there. Her bedroom goes dark and Lena is left to stare at the space where Kara was. Her cheeks are wet, she’s crying again and it seems that’s all she has been doing lately. 

“This is cruel, Kara. Even for you.”

She can’t do this anymore. 

Lex’s bullet should have hit her instead.

* * *

Lena takes up Alex’s suggestion and goes to therapy. Kelly was kind enough to help her out and give her recommendations and it didn’t take Lena long to set up an appointment. As Alex mentioned, it is awkward but slowly Lena gets the hang of it. 

And it does help, even when there are times where Lena could not even mutter a word out to her therapist and there are bad days when she couldn’t leave her bed. It _still_ helps. A lot. And it’s progress.

Slowly, the heavy feeling on her chest doesn’t feel as heavy and it doesn’t bother her as much as it did anymore. She starts seeing her friends (other than Alex) again and allows herself to enjoy the little things she used to find pleasure in. 

It still hurts and she is still carrying the guilt in her chest. It’s hard for her to not think of Kara’s death as her undoing and blame herself. But Lena is allowing herself to be forgiven. By Alex and their friends. By herself.

She still talks to Alex about Kara and the older Danvers is still the only person she could talk about Kara to other than her therapist. Since Alex has started working at L-Corp, they both find themselves staying late, hanging out in Lena’s office while they talk and grieve their very own version of Kara Danvers.

Tonight is one of those nights. Except Alex has been off and quiet for the whole day. When Lena asked if she’s feeling okay during their lab session, Alex nodded tensely. Lena didn’t ask again. Now, as they’re lounging on her couch eating their takeaway dinner quietly with heaviness in the air, Lena feels Alex slowly breaking next to her.

“They’re selling her apartment.”

Lena turns to Alex who’s clearly fighting back tears. “I can’t keep it. There’s a buyer. I have to clear her things by this weekend.”

Lena finds herself unable to say anything and she hates it. She can only take Alex’s hand and hold it tightly, hoping to provide the slightest of comfort as she lets the older woman cry. By the time Alex has long gone home and she is alone in her office, Lena picks up her phone and dials Jess’ number.

“Jess, I apologise for the late call,” Lena breathes out. “I need your help.”

She should have prepared herself the next day when Alex comes barging into her office while she is going through documents. She hears Jess claiming that she’d tried to stop her but it falls deaf in her ears when Alex wraps her arms around Lena and hugs her tightly.

Lena blinks, dumbfounded as she pats Alex’s back awkwardly. 

The older Danvers pulls back, her eyes misty and there’s a gentle smile on her face. “You’re an idiot,” Lena frowns, taking Alex’s words into offence. “You didn’t have to buy her apartment, nonetheless the whole building.”

Lena finds herself blushing. She ignores the teasing look Jess is sending her.

“But thank you, Lena. You don’t know how much this means to me,” Alex says, her voice desperate and genuine.

“Believe me, I know.”

Alex smiles wider. It’s warm like Kara’s smile but if Kara’s warmth is the colour of soft yellow, Alex’s warmth is light blue. She lets Alex hug her again before telling her that she has work to do and that Jess is going to kill her if she has to rearrange her schedule again.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Alex shoves her hand in her pocket and takes out a key. She places it on Lena’s table and Lena stares at it with a frown on her face.

“You’re the owner now, might as well have it.”

“Alex—”

“Keep it. Please.” Alex smiles as she turns and leaves Lena’s office. 

It takes Lena a week before she finally makes use of the key and visits Kara’s apartment. The first time she visits, she doesn’t stay long. It smells too much like Kara and Lena sees her everywhere in the apartment. She returns to her penthouse in a rush, hovering over her toilet, heaving until there’s nothing left to go. 

The second time—two weeks later, it’s much better. Lena doesn’t run away this time. She sits comfortably on Kara's couch, basking in Kara’s scent on the pillow as she watches Kara’s favourite movie, trying to ease the longing in her heart.

Sometimes, when she comes over, Alex is there. She tells her to stay and Lena does. Their late night hangout of talking about Kara and their grief is now at Kara’s apartment. They’d have Kara’s favourite takeaways while they watch her favourite movies. Sometimes, they would sit in silence, holding hands while they both cry. It soothes the pain, for both her and Alex. And perhaps, neither of them are letting go. 

Lena thinks they both don’t want to.


	3. If you don’t see where hope is—your hero is not dead just sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I haven't abandoned this story. I apologise that it took quite long. I was having some issues writing it—mostly confidence issues. But here it is. And I know this chapter supposed to be the last one but the last chapter is way too long and I have to break them into two parts. I appreciate you guys for sticking to this story and I promise I'll try my hardest to not take too much time to post the next chapter. Thank you, really thank you.
> 
> As always, not really edited. What's proofreading anyways?

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to.” Alex sighs.

“In the end, she still didn’t know who her real father was.”

“She has three dads and she’s happy.”

“I...I’m still quite confused.”

Alex laughs at her misery and Lena does her best to not chuck a pillow onto the older Danvers’ head. 

It’s been five months since Kara died. Three since Alex came back and started to work with Lena at L-Corp. The space that Kara left still feels as loud as ever but Lena finds herself managing. Having more good days instead of bad ones. 

It has been a while since she set foot to Kara’s apartment. A while since she had any activities outside of work. Things at L-Corp have been keeping her preoccupied lately to the point where the office couch had become her second bed. Jess, who found her sprawled on the couch one morning and decided that it’s time for Lena to take a few days off from work and Lena who knows better than to go against Jess’ orders agrees begrudgingly. 

With work being temporarily lifted off her shoulders, Alex insists on having a sisters’ night at Kara’s apartment with the promise of good food and showing her one of Kara’s favourite musicals, Mamma Mia.

“It’s a just happy story, Lena. Take it as it is,” Alex tells. “I can’t believe you haven’t seen this. Even with Kara. What do you guys usually watch anyways?”

Lena hums. “Most of the time it’s the Lord of the Rings series.”

Alex lets out a loud snort which she quickly covers up with an awkward cough. Lena raises an eyebrow but Alex shakes her head, muttering something under her breath which Lena barely manages to catch. 

“Whipped.”

Before Lena can comment anything on it, Alex leaves the couch, returning shortly with two bowls of ice cream, which she hands one to Lena despite the clear protest on Lena’s face.

“It’s sisters’ night. Won’t be one without ice cream.”

Lena takes it as Alex returns to her seat. She eyes the cold confectionery in her hands. It’s raspberry—Alex’s favourite.

“I think this is the first time you called this a sisters’ night.”

Alex freezes for a second before she continues to indulge her dessert. “I guess so. Calling it a grief session would be weird.” She turns to Lena with a small smile on her face. “Is that okay?”

“Yes,” Lena answers immediately, smiling back at the older woman. “Thank you for...well, for having me.”

“Of course,” Alex nods, shoving a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. “It’s two ways, you know. If you want to have one, we can have one.”

“Alright.” Lena nods with a small laugh that catches Alex’s attention.

“What?” 

“Nothing. Just thinking. It’s been quite a progress, hasn't it?”

The room falls silent. Alex stares at the bowl in her hand, her lips pressed into a thin line.

Lena opens her mouth to apologise.

“You know—” Alex begins, beating her to it. She doesn’t look mad per se, but there’s pain in her eyes. Ones that Lena’s familiar with. “After she died, I couldn’t even look at photos with her in it. I avoided them because if I did, I know I’d break apart.”

Lena reaches for Alex’s hand. 

“I’ve been able to look at them again.” The older Danvers smiles tearfully, gently squeezing Lena’s hand. “Of course, the crying thing happens anyway but still.” 

“Progress.”

“Progress.” Alex sighs, running a hand down her face. “Please don’t start crying. If you start, you know I will.”

“You’re the one who’s already tearing up.” 

“Well, don’t start or I’ll go full blown sobbing.”

Lena laughs, leaning back towards the couch while Alex picks up the bowl of ice cream from her lap, continuing to dig into her dessert. With Alex, it has always been easy. To talk without feeling like her throat is constricting with every word. It’s only natural when Lena tells her about the present Kara’s left for her.

"I opened her Christmas gift."

Alex stops eating midway, diverting her attention to Lena. "Oh. What did you get?"

"You didn't know?"

The older woman licks her spoon and hums. "She was really sneaky about it."

Lena scoffs at the thought of Kara being sneaky. Then again, she did hide her whole identity from Lena.

"It was data about Krypton."

Alex clicks her tongue. "Ah, so that's what her fortress trip’s for.”

After a beat of silence, Lena opens her mouth. “I think you should take it back.”

This time, it's Alex who scoffs with a deep frown on her face. “No way. That’s your gift. Keep it.”

“Alex—”

“Are we really going to go around about this again?” Alex retorts, her tone strict, eyes daring Lena to go against her words. But Lena doesn’t back down. Even if Alex does scare her a tiny bit.

“It’s really not something I should have.”

Alex sighs. “It wasn’t your fault, Lena.”

“Please. Don’t.” 

“I will keep saying it until you believe it.” Alex says, her eyes on Lena, full of concern. It causes Lena to let out a sob which she quickly swallows while she tries to not break into tears.

“You made a mistake.”

“One that costs someone’s life.”

“You were hurting. Lex took advantage of that.”

She _was_ hurt. Kara Danvers had been kind and supporting. She saw Lena as who she is but Supergirl saw her as nothing more than a Luthor, betrayed her trust and went behind her back. And to find out that they were the same person, it broke her heart. 

Lena idolised Kara. That was the problem. She saw Kara as someone so pure that the possibility of her hurting Lena would be none. There were signs. So many signs and part of her knew that Kara was Supergirl but she chose not to acknowledge it because she didn’t think Kara would lie to her. It was unfair of Lena to put her at such a high pedestal. Kara’s flawed in many ways, just as humans are. Lena knows now that despite her mistakes, Kara only had her best interest at heart. Perhaps she was selfish, but Lena knows what it’s like to have the world see you only as a figure rather than a person, to have the burden of people’s expectations on your shoulders. Kara just didn’t want to lose her. She never wanted to intentionally hurt her.

Which makes it so much worse. Because Alex doesn’t seem to understand that Lena wanted to hurt Kara. She wanted Kara to feel the same pain she had, wanted Kara to grovel and beg for her forgiveness. 

Lena understands those were acted out because she was hurt _—_ after tons of therapy sessions she _gets_ it. But it’s so easy to fall back into guilt when doubt creeps in. Her actions were her own and she had wanted to hurt a Super. How does that make her any different from Lex?

“I know you were only trying to do what you think was right at that time. I should have realised that sooner before I literally tried to kill you. I was out of line.” Alex tells, her voice clear with remorse. “I know that is something that can’t be forgiven easily and I understand if I’m not.”

“You are, Alex.” Lena tells, sincerely. “I was out of line too.” 

“Again, not your fault. I was an idiot. Kara kind of said so too.”

Lena frowns at the fact that Kara had defended her. Noticing her disbelief, Alex presses on with a gentle smile. “Kara cared for you. Betraying her didn’t mean she cared about you any less.”

“I hurt her.”

“You did. But still, she loved you. And she wouldn’t want you to keep blaming yourself. You did so much good, Lena. After Leviathan and Lex, you’re still doing so much for others.”

There is so much pain, so much destruction that Lex has caused, that she too was responsible in some parts of it. She can’t bring back the dead and she can’t fix everything. But Lena vows to make things better. It’s the very least she could do. She wants to make things right with others and herself.

“I am allowing myself to be forgiven,” Lena tells, her voice quivering with every word. “But I cannot pretend that I wasn’t at fault.”

“You’re frustratingly stubborn.” 

“Comes with the Luthor name.”

Alex rolls her eyes but the smile on her face tells Lena she’s far from annoyed. 

“Sooner or later, you’re going to realise that you’re not at fault. But in the meantime, as you said, let yourself be forgiven. I forgive you, Lena. Kara forgave you.”

The sob that Lena’s been trying so hard to hold back finally escapes her. Alex moves closer and wraps an arm around her, holding her as she cries with relief that despite all the hurt and pain that she had caused, Alex forgave her and so did Kara along with their friends. Perhaps, one day, Lena will be able to forgive herself fully. But in the meantime, she lets herself have this. This comfort knowing that she is forgiven and that she is loved and cared for whether she’s deserving of them or not.

“Thank you, Alex.” 

Alex nods, her eyes gentle and filled with care that it makes Lena tear up even more. A slow, teasing smile appears upon Alex’s face. 

“Now look who’s crying.”

Lena laughs wetly, wiping the tears on her cheeks as she rests her head on Alex’s shoulder. Alex who is so warm and kind. It’s been a long time since someone has cared for her so much. There’s a bond between them that Lena didn’t think it was possible for her to have after Lex. 

“Look at us.” Lena murmurs. Alex laughs softly, pressing her cheek into Lena's hair. 

“Who would’ve thought?”

* * *

Lena knows that there are a lot of things which people perceived her as—cold hearted bitch, the black sheep of the Luthor family, ungrateful daughter. She doesn’t really mind them, finds them amusing at least but there’s one that particularly irks her: workaholic.

Despite her love and pride for her work, she doesn’t necessarily enjoy sitting long hours in the office reading documents with too many lines and unnecessary details. She values time to herself, if she has any, but with all the work that she has to do and with the recent damage she has to fix, it’s never ending. It’s not her choice to be swamped with work. So Jess absolutely had no right to call her a workaholic and confiscated her laptop, demanding that she took the week off free of anything work related.

With her laptop away from her and the upcoming L-Corp’s brand new initiative, Lena finds herself walking back into L-Corp hoping that she can find her laptop in her office. 

It’s because the work is important. _Not_ because she’s a workaholic.

Hoping that Jess wouldn’t catch her, Lena sneaks into her office at one of the nights where she knows Jess is away visiting her family. Walking into the lobby, Lena waves past the familiar security guard with a guilty smile and he lets her through shaking his head in amusement seeming to know that she wasn’t supposed to be there.

As she steps into her office, Lena flips the switches on, waiting for the lights to come on a few seconds before she makes her way to her desk. She opens the top drawer and when she sees no sign of her laptop, she moves on to the next drawer before reaching the last one. 

Lena opens it and catches the sight of a neon yellow post-it stuck on top of a pile of papers written neatly in Jess’ handwriting.

_Nice try, workaholic. I took your laptop home with me. Rest :p_

“That sneaky little—”

Lena ceases her frustration when she sees a large blue circle appearing in the middle of the room. When she notices the likeness of it to the portals she had seen before, Lena pulls open her top drawer and hastily grabs her taser.

She stays rooted behind her desk and watches as a figure dressed in a blue robe stumbles out of the portal before falling onto their knees, hand on top of a bloodied shoulder with long blond hair covering their face. 

Lena grips her taser tightly. When a loud groan escapes the figure, Lena’s frown deepens. The figure lifts their head and Lena manages to catch the sight of their face.

For a moment, Lena is sure that her heart has stopped because there is no way what’s in front of her is real. _Who_ is in front of her is real.

“No.” Lena exhales, shaking her head as she tries to make sense what’s happening.

“Lena.”

Hearing that familiar voice, Lena’s legs almost give in but she holds herself up, hand clutching the edge of her desk tightly. 

“You died. You–I mourned for you.”

“I know.” Their eyes meet and Lena feels her chest tightens. “I’m not really sure how I’m alive either.”

“How do I know it’s really you?” Lena asks. Carefully, she makes her way around the table with the taser still clutched in her hand, their eyes never leaving each other. 

“Tell me something only Kara would know.”

Kara blinks and Lena waits for her answer.

“You hate your birthdays.” Kara breaks the silence, smiling softly at her. “You hate them but you let me celebrate it with you anyway. Big belly burger and Lord of The Rings.”

“I don’t hate them. I just don’t see the deal of it.”

“That’s what you’d always say too.”

Lena exhales shakily. She discards her taser on the table and kneels in front of Kara, leaning forward until their faces are close enough that her eyes can see clearly every inch of Kara’s face—her strong jaw, the scar next to her brow and her soft blue eyes that Lena knew so well. 

With a trembling hand, Lena holds the side of Kara’s face.

“It’s you.”

“Hi Lena.”

Lena whimpers as she falls into Kara, grasping a fistful of Kara’s robe while her other hand is placed on the back of Kara’s head. She feels Kara’s arm around her, pulling her close which makes her weeps harder, burying her face into Kara’s good shoulder, gripping onto Kara tighter with no intention of letting go.

Feeling Kara’s arm around her slipping, Lena tries to pull away but the blonde is already swaying to her side, pulling her together as they fall onto the floor with Lena on top of her. Kara groans in pain and Lena immediately moves away, sitting up as her frantic eyes search over Kara’s figure.

Kara’s hand comes around hers and Lena lifts her eyes to Kara’s pale face. The blonde sends her a weak smile, attempting to soothe her worries.

“I’m fine. Just tired,” she tells, closing her eyes as she lets out a ragged breath. “I’m gonna nap for a while, okay?” 

Kara squeezes Lena’s hand and soon falls silent.

“Kara?” 

When Kara doesn’t answer, Lena finds the room spinning. She breathes deeply, reminding herself of the breathing exercise her therapist taught her. Minutes pass and she feels calmer. Her ears are able to pick up on Kara’s soft breathing. Lena’s eyes fall onto Kara’s chest and she sees it rise and fall with every breath.

Kara’s fine. She’s alive.

Lena needs to call Alex.

She ended up texting Alex instead. A one sentence message typed out with trembling fingers.

As she waits for the older Danvers to arrive, Lena spends the rest of her time watching Kara sleep, staring at Kara’s chest, her face and her shoulder covered with blood. At times when Kara gets too quiet that it frightens Lena to death, she finds herself placing her thumb gently on Kara’s wrist, just where she can feel Kara’s pulse. Weak but present. 

Lena doesn’t let go of Kara’s hand after that.

When the door of her office barges open, Lena looks up to find Alex haggard from running and looking more than ready to fight. She has her weapon which J’onn gave her pointed out but when she sees no real threat, she drops it and eyes Lena bewilderedly. As soon as she sees the figure laying on the floor next to Lena, Alex’s face falls.

“Alex—”

“She’s dead. Her heart stopped. I held her—”

“It’s her. I promise.”

“Alex?”

Lena turns to Kara who’s slowly waking, blinking her eyes open as she adjusts to the bright room. She makes a move to sit up and Lena helps her, bringing her up with an arm around her waist. 

When Kara’s eyes find her sister, she breaks down into sobs. “Alex.” 

She proceeds to say something, which Lena assumes, in Kryptonese and instantly, Lena sees the change in Alex’s body language. The hesitation and doubt she had in her seem to dissipate without a trace. 

With quick strides, Alex makes her way to them before roughly falling onto her knees right next to Kara. Kara repeats her words and Alex replies to her—soft, clear and in Kara’s mother tongue before pulling her sister into a tight embrace.

Alex cries, muttering words of love as she holds onto Kara, kissing the side of her head gently. It takes a moment before Alex pulls back slightly with their forehead pressed and a relieved smile soft on Alex’s face.

“You came home.” 

Kara nods, her cheeks wet and red from crying. 

“Always.”

They bring Kara to her lab since it’s the nearest place with medical equipment suited for a Kryptonian. Alex wastes no time tending to Kara. Lena helps how she can, assisting Alex in her tasks but her eyes always stray back to Kara who’s lying on the sun bed. Alex’s voice does barely to shake her out of her stupor. With Kara’s clothes discarded, Lena could see everything—the gash on her shoulder and the cuts on her arms, the scar on her chest from Lex’s bullet. Lena bits back a sob, looking away. 

“The shoulder looks worse than it actually is,” Alex says but Lena finds unable to find comfort in her words.

A hand comes around her wrist and Lena lifts her head to find Kara’s eyes on hers. Slowly, she covers Lena’s hand with hers.

While Alex tends to her wounds, Kara doesn’t let go. She only releases her hand when Alex has to tend her the scrapes on her arm and wear the hospital gown Alex hands to her. 

With her wearing the gown, Kara looks so small. Lena watches her as she lays on to the bed, sighing when her head hits the pillow. Lena doesn’t move away from Kara’s side. She stays, watching the blonde blinking sleepily while Alex cleans up the bloodied cloth and cotton balls.

“I saw my father.” 

Lena blinks. Across her, Alex freezes. Her eyes fleeting to Lena before they’re on Kara.

“It was an android he created with his memories,” she says as she breathes out shakily. “It was so much like him.”

Lena finds herself holding Kara’s hand again. A minute passes before Kara begins to speak again.

“He was going to destroy multiple planets. I had to stop him.” A tear escapes the corner of her eye sliding down her cheek. Kara lets out another shaky sigh before closing her eyes.

“I’m tired.”

Alex brushes her hand over Kara’s hair. Lena sees the worry in her eyes but the older Danvers doesn’t push Kara for more. 

“Rest. You’re safe,” Alex tells gently.

“Stay?” Kara asks, her voice small and fading.

“Always.” 

Alex kisses the top of her head gently. Soon, Kara’s soft snores begin to fill the room, leaving Alex and Lena alone, each consumed with their own thoughts. 

Lena doesn’t know how much time has passed when Alex finally breaks the stillness in the room.

“I have to make some calls,” she says, looking briefly at Kara before she turns and walks out of the lab.

Lena stays still next to sleeping blonde. She watches Kara’s chest again, finding reassurance at every rise and fall. Lena almost doesn’t blink, afraid that if she does, she misses the sight of Kara breathing, alive— _Kara_.

Lena presses her quivering lips as she runs her thumb across Kara’s wrist. It’s a terrifying ordeal: being in love. She has always been afraid of loving but when it comes to Kara, she makes it so easy. That is why Kara’s betrayal hurt so much. It’s because Lena loves her effortlessly. 

And then Kara died saving her. 

It makes her think is she really worth it for Kara to be giving her life away for? Is that how it’s always going to be—her inevitably getting the people whom she dearly loves hurt? She’s afraid, so, so afraid that she’d lose her again. Even when she only just got her back. 

The pain of losing Kara—Lena doesn’t think she can go through it again.

A yawn escapes her despite her best effort to smother it. She was sure that she wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight but the emotional toll that she went through tonight is enough to tire her. Resting her head on the bed, Lena stares at their clasped hands until her eyelids grow heavy, her mind tuning out her deepest worries as the rhythm of Kara’s steady pulse against her thumb lulls her to sleep.

When Lena wakes up, it’s to the smell of coffee and soft murmurs. She blinks her eyes open slowly and lifts her head off her numb arm. She’s surprised to see her other hand still entwined with Kara’s.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

Diverting her eyes away, she meets Kelly, who’s standing across her with an apologetic smile. Lena shakes her head, groaning when she feels her stiff neck that’s bound to give her a headache.

“Where’s Alex?”

“She’s in the lobby waiting for J’onn and Eliza.” Kelly takes the coffee placed on the table next to Kara’s bed and makes her way to stand next to Lena. She hands Lena the coffee which Lena takes with a grateful smile.

“I hope you don’t mind bringing them into your lab.”

“No, of course not,” Lena says, taking a sip of her coffee. “Were you talking to someone?”

“Just her.” Kelly nods her head towards Kara, her lips curving into a relieved smile. “She’s still sleeping but I just wanted to say that I missed her and I’m so glad that she’s okay.”

Lena smiles softly at Kelly, placing her free hand on Kelly’s arm.

The lab door opens and Alex walks in with Eliza and J’onn close behind her. At the sight of Kara lying peacefully on the bed, Eliza rushes past Alex. As she reaches Kara’s side, her trembling hand reaches up and gently holds the side of Kara’s face.

Eliza begins to cry as she holds onto her daughter. Lena feels Kara’s hand in hers twitching and before they know it, Kara wakes up, startled. With her eyes abruptly open, Kara scans her surroundings as she tries to push herself up off the bed.

Lena tightens her hold on Kara’s hand and Alex is quick to Kara’s side, placing her hand on Kara’s shoulder as she tells her that she is okay, she is safe. Alex’s presence and words seem to soothe as she becomes less distressed. Lena can see it clear on her face that she’s trying to recollect the current events. 

Her eyes then fall onto Eliza who no longer has her hand on Kara’s cheek, rather it’s hanging at her side not wanting to frighten her daughter. 

“Eliza…” Kara’s eyes become teary and it’s enough to bring Eliza back to her daughter’s side, hugging her gently. Alex is next to them, her hand placed comfortingly on her mother’s shoulder.

“My sweet girl..” Eliza smiles tearfully as she breaks the hug, kissing Kara gently on her forehead. 

When J’onn comes into Kara’s view, more tears ensue. It was an intimate family moment. Something Lena has never experienced, at least remembered. With the Luthors, it was something that’s so foreign. Perhaps Lex had them but to Lena, they were non-existent—a family that loves and cares for you unconditionally.

She feels Kelly’s hand on her shoulder and Lena reaches up to squeeze her hand. Her eyes drift away from the family in front of her and fall onto her and Kara’s joined hands. 

With a faint smile on her lips, Lena releases Kara’s hand.

* * *

They move Kara to her apartment the next day with the help of Lena’s transmitter watch. Moving medical equipment has never been easier and it’s such a good way to keep Kara’s return as discreet as possible in order to keep her safe. No one knew except for the people that had been to Lena’s lab. With their priority being Kara’s wellbeing, it takes them a while before they can finally let Kara’s family and friends know. 

They told Clark first, who flew into Kara’s apartment immediately after being told the news with his civilian uniform and glasses askew. He broke down in tears as he held onto Kara so tightly that Alex had to remind him that Kara’s not invincible and that she’s still healing. 

Brainy and Nia visited a few days after when Kara’s faring better and awake. Nia held onto Kara as if she’d never see her again and Brainy was rendered speechless with silent tears on his cheek at the sight of Kara smiling at him. His crying then turned into sobs when Kara pulled him into a hug.

Moving Kara back into her apartment seems to be a good thing as Alex tells her that Kara’s healing very well. She proceeds to get better each day with most of her wounds healed but a week has passed and there are no signs of her powers returning. She is still very much vulnerable. Still very much human. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong.” Alex sighs leaning back into Lena’s office couch. “Usually she’d get it back by now.”

“Perhaps, this time it’s different,” Lena says, setting the papers down to meet Alex’s eyes. “She did come back to life and spent months in a place without a yellow sun.”

It’s an assumption. One that she, Alex and Eliza had made. They can only perceive that Kara had been in space this whole time based on the facts that they have. They’re still very much in the dark on how Kara had managed to come back to life and about her father-like android that she encountered. Kara doesn’t talk about it and when asked, she seems distressed. Alex had no choice but to drop the subject and focus on Kara’s health instead.

“Which could’ve held up her recovery.” Alex nods. “That’s a possibility. Still doesn't leave me less worried.”

“Her report seems fine. We can have faith in that at least.” Lena says gently, trying to soothe her friend’s thoughts. Alex sends her a weak smile. 

“Thank you for bringing me lunch. Even when you’re on your day off.” 

“Don’t sweat it. Thanks for going through her report and for letting me take a few days off. I promise you once I got everything settled, I’ll get back right to work.”

“Take your time. Kara’s important,” Lena says. She picks up the empty containers on the table and proceeds to throw them into the dustbin. 

“She’s been asking about you, you know?”

She shouldn't be surprised that Alex would ask her this. She had a hunch when Alex stepped into her office with a pleading smile and big belly burger in her hand. But still, Lena freezes for a moment before she sighs, wrapping her arms protectively around herself.

"Why won’t you visit her?"

"I don't want to overwhelm her."

“Is that really why?”

Lena bites her lip, stares out of the window. A beat passes and Lena still says nothing. Sensing that she’s not going to talk, Alex rises from her seat, a concerned look on her face.

"Look, I'm not forcing you or anything," Alex tells. "I just want you to know that she wants to see you and it's okay if you want to see her too." She sends Lena a smile and thanks her again before making her way out of the office.

Making her way to her desk, Lena sits on her chair, leaning back with her chin raised towards the ceiling as she closes her eyes and thinks of blue eyes and warm smiles she yearns to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look I added chapter titles. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves and each other. 
> 
> Come say hi. my tumblr: @hardcore-tea-drinker


End file.
